I Feel Guilty, I Feel Worthy

This article was originally written for mycity4kids.com

I feel guilty while I am not there to pick my daughter when she comes back from school.

I feel guilty when she has to tell her day’s jabber to my house help because she cannot hold her excitement and wait for me to come back.

I feel guilty when I have to serve rotis in dinner, made beforehand by the cook.

I feel guilty when I see our unkempt cupboards.

I insistently have been feeling sorry for neglecting my home and loved ones as I am pressed of time due to my own job responsibilities.

But then on the other hand not only me but ‘WE’ as a family feel proud when I,

  • Appeared on the front page of a national newspaper
  • Win awards in campaigns & contests
  • Share pedestal with celebrities
  • Get admired for my work, my writing
  • Excel in multitasking

The turmoil of ‘being there-not being there’ was constantly distressing me.

So, one day I sat down and asked myself few questions.

Me: Why I want to work?

My Inner Self: To put my talent and education to good use, gain exposure and explore new avenues in life.

To feed my grey matter, to keep me updated.

To get up and look forward to the day.

To dress up & greet the world.

And of ‘course EARN to be financially independent.

Me: Will I make a happy home being unhappy myself?

My Inner Self: Undoubtedly running a household is a full-fledged job in itself but then you don’t feel accomplished or ‘out-of-the-world’ doing it – day in, day out.

Right?

When I don’t have something to look forward or contribute ingenuously, I will feel irritated and wasted. With this outlook I am sure going to get gloomy and snappy, depressed & empty. And this definitely won’t make a ‘happy home’.

Me: What options I have?

My Inner Self: My husband is a smart man. He tried to strike a deal with me in bargain of not working full time.  He offered to give me post dated cheques of the amount I would get for my full time job. I am sure he knew I will not accept!

So that certainly was not the option but yes, I gave serious thought of quitting my full time engagement and start looking for part time, freelance options. Lucky me, if I would get one.

Me: Will that affect my child’s upbringing?

My Inner Self: Yes, I may miss out on few previous moments of her growing years but I ‘just being home’ will not make my child an ideal human being. It is more about instilling right values in the formative years and then keep polishing them. Rather, my child would become more independent and less clingy.

This little introspection did soothe my gnawing guilt.

I have come to terms that there is going to be a constant battle between emotions & professional calling and modestly I have to nurse both.

I constantly strive for a healthy ‘Work-Life Balance’ and am content to have succeeded in my own way.

Now, more than guilty, I feel worthy!

Image courtesy motherwhowork.com

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